poem #150

the line is drawn,
but the curve was shown,
if i smile today,
will i cry all day?

if the pain will stop,
will my heart bleed?
if my heart will clap,
will my soul suceed?


Or is this just another me?

Of lions and cats...

Yesterday was just another day. I went to look for a work. It is a cosmetics company this time. The day before that was a Telecommunications network. Those were the two first attempts from me after such months of restlessness and "palamunin" days.
Needless to say, the first one was a successful attempt. But I did not accept the offer. I know that at this point in my life, I dont actually have the right to be choosy. It's just that I dont really see myself as someone who works fulltime in a company of men. Well, the telecommunications company, as far as I have observed, is a company established by men where almost 99% of the employees population were men. Not that I'm being gender insensitive or anything. I just dont think how I'd be able to survive working as the sole HR person for a company of 100 or so men employees where I would be directly reporting to men officers and handle and serve men employees. The offer was good enough though the only thing that is keeping me from accepting it is the sole idea that decisions in such would probably mostly based in men's judgement. So tell me, will a girl of my little experience in handling men survive in those lion's dens? I don't really think so.
In the industrial world, the one that thrives are the ones who are able to find growth within and without of the organization. This growth does not only tacles financial and profit growth. It should also give in to the growth of the emplyees and members of such orhanization. I don't want to pretend that I know a lot about the bussiness world. My perception only lies on my experience as an HR practitioner. Imagine a world were only one of the two sexes thrives... what would happen? This is the same with an organization or with a company so to speak.
The cosmetics company is a whole different story. In this company, women and homosexuals particularly gays thrive there. Just the same, it's challenge to stay on top and sane in such company. Just like the all men company, i know that things would probably be more difficult if I'd get the job. Again, not that I'm being gender insensitive, in fact,I'm giving the readers the two sides of the coin. On one hand, you have men running a company of men. On the other hand, you have gays and women running a company for themselves. So what's the big deal? The deal is that, I think it will be a lot harder to survive in an environement were 90% of the population is of the same gender as you and the remaining 10% is composed of the gender that is almost the same as you. How will a girl with my experience strive in a world of cats? Now that's another big question? Anyhow, the result of the application is still pending. And I am still not sure whether I would accept the job of ever. But opne thing is for sure, job advertisements will be out again very soon, so I'll just wait... and do my thing up until the time that I could finally settle my mind and my heart to one organization/company.

Khafka on the go

Here's something from the book (Khafka on the Shore):

"Sometimes fate is like a small sand storm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sand storm chases you. You turn again but the sand storm adjust. Over and over, you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones."

So there goes something from the first few pages of the book. By the way, the book, as far as I've read, is about a boy who had the courage to run away from home at the early age of fifteen.

Imagine my life. I'm 22 years old turning 23. I had an oppurtunity to be far from home, had an independent life when I was in College. Living in a city that was so unfamiliar for me. That was 6 years ago. I was sixteen. Looking back, I knew I was as afraid as a cat being chased by a dog. But see, I learned a lot. If I stayed in my hometown, finished my college there, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I had no regrets.

But like the "sand storm", I also realized that the things that pushed me to decide to go away are also the same things that are pushed me again to go away after being back for almost two years now. The sand storm changed direction as I did. It haunted me. And while its haunting me, I'm having this crazy feeling that it's getting bigger and stronger.

Yet, I am still not sure if I'll have the courage to go through it, "step right inside of it", and I dont know when I'll be able to gather all the necessary courage to do so. For now, I'll stick to the plan, leave and see what will happen next. For sure, someday I'll have to face the sand storm, but I am just happy that it is not today.....